So, I’ve spent some more time reflecting on the previously mentioned “list”. I find that I don’t really lack in commentary on many of the points, so I have decided to explore another one. The most sensitive one; the most personal one (but I will spare the personal details); the number one from “Thirty Things Every Woman Should Have”: One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come.
This one is another one of the things on the list that I can check off, and it didn’t take me longer than a minute to pinpoint exactly who these two men would be. Actually, there is probably more than just one person who fits these descriptions, which I think in the “boyfriend you can imagine going back to” category is really a blessing. And it’s that one I think I will start with.
I can actually think of two people who would fit in this category. For one of them, see “Summer Love”. For the other, well, he as well shall remain nameless. Granted, I am a completely different person now than I was then, so I could never actually go back to this person in my current form. This would only apply if I could somehow revert back to a much younger version of myself, which luckily (and unluckily) I cannot do. But I think the most memorable part of this particular relationship was that I was happy. Pretty much all the time, I was happy. I became this really amazing version of myself that I never knew existed before. I was more confident, more patient, more content than I had ever been. I was just an over-all better person. One who went to church and made people laugh and knew what I wanted. He brought out all those things in me, and, that is precisely why he fits in this category. Not because I want to go back to him, per se, but because I want to go back to me, or at least that version of me.
As far as the “one who reminds you of how far you’ve come”, well, I am just happy I can look back on that relationship and know I have come many thousands of miles. In the book, Taylor Swift has some pretty poignant things to say about this:
“Another rule of thumb is that if it doesn’t feel like love- if you’re sad more than you’re happy- that’s a huge indicator that you need to walk. You need to know when to let go.”
Unfortunately for some of us, this is a hard lesson to learn. We start to confuse the emotions. We start to settle. We start to forget what happy feels like. And that is something to not walk, but run, away from. Everyone deserves the “all-the-time-happy” feeling we got from category one, and never the “love hurts” feeling from category two. Because love shouldn’t hurt (unless you’re cheeks are sore from smiling so much).
The good news about being able to check off this point from the list is that I know what to look for now. And I know what to shy away from. And as picky as my mom sometimes tells me I am, maybe it’s all just because I won’t settle for anything less than that “happy-all-the-time, best-possible-version-of-myself” self. And, honestly, why would I want to?