Confessions of a So-Called Southerner

           For those of you who haven’t already figured this out, I am a huge fan of Southern Living magazine. In my opinion Southern Living is somewhat of a Southern bible, and if it suggests anything of its readers, I am the first one to preach its words to anyone who will listen. 

            In the May issue of SL they did a segment on Mother’s Day, specifically Southern mothers, entitled “Mama always said…”.  In this article there is a sidebar written by Aaron Deal containing eight rules every Southern woman should live by, and it is high time I shared my favorites with you. 

Number One:  It’s never too soon to send a thank-you note.

Number Two: Southerners never put dark meat in their chicken salad and always use real mayonnaise. 

Number Three: A real Southern girl should own an iced-tea pitcher and a deviled-egg plate.

Number one is pretty self-explanatory.  I’ve had this one figured out for a while, courtesy of my Southern mama.  She was always on my tail after every birthday making sure I wrote my thank-yous nice and proper.  Now, I will be the first to admit that although I write thank-yous for the traditional reasons, I am not quite as advanced in the art as some of the other Southern women I know.  For example, my cousin, Amanda, has definitely stepped it up and has taken thank-you writing to another level.  She writes notes “just because”.  I think that’s the mark of a very classy Southern lady, the kind that can make you feel special and thought of with a few strokes of a pen and the lick of an envelope. 

I don’t have a whole lot to say about number two other than I don’t care what kind of diet you are on, if you ain’t eating real mayonnaise, honey, the what the heck is the point?  There are some things that are worth the calories and real mayo is one of ‘em.

Number three is where I must make a confession.  Apparently, until yesterday, I wasn’t a real Southern girl.  I know, I know; you’re all shocked.  I was too.  Needless to say, ever since I read this article, an iced-tea pitcher and a deviled-egg tray have been at the top of my “need to buy” list.  It took me a good three months to actually purchase these items, but I am now proud to say that I am a real Southern girl (at least according to Mr. Deal)! 

So to all you so-called Southern ladies out there…make sure you’re reading your Southern bibles.  Apparently some of us have been breaking the 10 Commandments of Southern Hospitality, and I would hate for any of us to get talked about at the beauty salon for lacking in certain serving dishes….

My Daddy Told Me...

“You can’t make chicken salad out of chicken feathers.”

            I can hear my daddy’s laugh as he utters this phrase.  It’s really lucky we are cut from the same mold because he always told me this at the most inopportune times.  After I had been fighting with my hair all morning, after spending hours studying for a test or writing a paper, after a really stressful day at work.  I know he doesn’t really mean it.  As a matter of fact it has become one of my favorite inside jokes between us.  Often, all I need to say is “chicken salad, chicken feathers” and the message has been successfully passed between us.  I have grown to expect him to say it.  Sometimes I set myself up for it.  Nowadays, I even find myself saying it to others.  Although no one else understands quite the way my daddy does. 

            In case you yourself are indeed confused at the words, allow me to explain.  Simply, it means you can’t make something out of nothing.  You can’t expect to have something great when you have nothing to start with.  Really mean when you think about my poor bad hair days, huh? 

            But when it seems like I’ve tried everything, put my best foot forward, and things are still coming up pear-shaped…well, that’s when I hear his voice in the back of my mind.  And maybe it’s not me…maybe it’s just those damn chicken feathers after all…

My Mommy Told Me...

"The sun don't shine on a dog's ass all the time. If the dog don't move the sun will."

Please excuse my language, but somehow "butt" just doesn't have the same ring to it, and in order to get the full impact of the saying, I have to use my mom's exact language (it would also be helpful if you imagined it being spoken in a perfect Southern twang).

Now, some of you may be thinking, "what the heck does that even mean?". Well, I am here to explain it to you. Have you ever been in a situation where good things happen to the same person over and over again? It doesn't matter what the person does, good fortune is always upon them. Meanwhile, you've been sitting around trying your absolute hardest to do the right thing at the right time and it all just keeps blowing up in your face. It happens to us all at some point or another (unless you're one of those people formerly referred to as a "dog's ass", in which case I sincerely apologize). But here's the good news: as my momma says, eventually one of two things is going to happen, either the dog is going to move or the sun will. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean that good things are going to start happening to you, but it does mean that you won't always have to stomach the dog's ass in it's own personal shower of glory. And doesn't that make you feel just a little bit better?

Just a little Southern wisdom for y'all to chew on. I hope it makes you smile if nothing else, because you can't deny it's a funny saying. And who doesn't love a good laugh and some good advice from their momma?